Verblassende Erinnerungen

My mom called early that morning. We talked for a while. She and my dad had gone to see a show by Mac and Josh in Canada. They didn’t know anything about what had been happening here.

Gillian: “Yes, Mum. I love you too. Say hi to Dad for me. I will. See you soon.”

After I hung up, I felt depressed. Images of Josh and me drifted through my thoughts. Gillian (thoughts): “I was so happy back then, and so much has happened lately. For a long time I hadn’t had to think about him — even though I always carried that empty space inside me.” On my way to the stable, I stopped without realizing it and looked over to Josh’s place. Faintly, I could almost see him there on Pearl Hart. Gillian (thoughts): “Josh’s place. This is where he was always to be found. But now… nothing, except a fading memory.” Suddenly Jamie was standing next to me. I had been so lost in thought that I hadn’t even noticed him.

Jamie: “You miss him, don’t you? Come on, let’s walk a bit.”

Gillian (thoughts): “Jamie… I’m so glad he’s here with me right now.” We walked for a while and then sat down.

Gillian: “My mum called today. They were at one of the shows and saw him. I still love him — but differently… like a friend I’ve lost. And that makes me sad right now.”

Jamie: “Thank you for being so open. It doesn’t scare me, because it doesn’t sound like doubt. You’re not looking back — you’re remembering. I’m here for you, and I’m listening. Let’s just sit here together for a while.”

We didn’t talk. We sat close to each other, each lost in our own thoughts. Around midday, we decided to go for a ride. I was so grateful to Jamie. My grief for the lost friend would surely fade quietly with time. But my feelings for Jamie grew with every moment. He had that gentle intuition. He listened without pushing. He comforted without trying to fix anything. He brought humor when it was needed — and protection when it was required. With him, closeness felt calm. He was simply there. Jamie joked and talked during our ride, and yet I could feel how thoughtful he was. Jamie (thoughts): “Josh was part of her life — long before me. Those feelings don’t take anything away from me. They only show how important he was to her. I love her. And her past belongs to her.” I wondered if I was truly doing justice to his love. He wanted more closeness. The next step. I knew he was thinking further than I was — about a shared home… about a tomorrow. And yet those dreams were mine too. I just needed more time to say them out loud. But one thing I knew for certain: he was the man I wanted to share my life with. That evening, I stood in the yard, looking up at the house. Jamie came over and put his arm around me.

Gillian: “You know… this house is pretty big. There’d definitely be room for the stuff from a bachelor pad.”

Jamie: “If the bachelor is allowed to move in, I’d gladly accept this new home.”